Audioccult Vol. 101: Someone Dies in Game of Thrones & Other Surprises

Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: SHALTMIRA

[Turns to camera] Oh hi! Daniel here for Audioccult! It’s been a heck of a morning. I pushed over my computer at 6 a.m, pushed it right down on to the floor as I hooted and hollered, [leans directly toward windows of my neighbors] “GOD DAMN IT DO I LOVE THE INTERNET!!!” [now toward camera again and in indoor voice] I just watched a coral cum, followed by Bill Clinton saying “Wow” at a Linkin Park t-shirt. I tried to discreetly sharpie out the ‘NOT’ on my ‘NOT MY PRESIDENT’ bumper sticker but halfway through I realized I don’t have a car because the economy has been in the tank since ☆THE 90S☆ ended. The only thing I can think of that this amazing tool is worthless for is getting recommendations for watching TV shows. 

This Game of Thrones thing? It’s a lot like Lord of The Rings, in that nobody really gives a shit about the books but the live action adaptations do surprisingly well, even with people who don’t have beards. Everyone seems to die all the time in pretty cvlt ways. A main character gets his head chopped off and replaced by the head of a wolf. The mean king gets shot with a crossbow by his dwarf son while he’s on the toilet (I’ll have what he’s having). I’m pretty sure just about anyone connected with the main plot line dies at some point, only to be replaced with ten more characters to get a life story from before they’re stamped into the cold earth by iron-shod hooves. What surprises await fans in the upcoming series? Guess what, it’s more death because the little evil wiener kid who’s boss king gets poisoned.

The best thing about the Internet is that it takes away a lot of surprise from people’s lives. Before this thing, there was way too much unpredictability in the world. That’s why I’ve made it my business to get in your business— your TV watching business. I’ve read all the books available in the series, including the short stories and the fanfiction which is canon if you ignore the fallacy of man’s laws in favor of the true law, which is imagination. The following is a list of upcoming episode spoilers from the remainder of the season, which you should read and forward to your friends but only if you’re a true patriot.

“The Lion and The Rose”

After Tyrion Lannister loses his rose, the rest of the Lannisters are forced to crawl on their hands and knees and look for at. Repeated use of dolly zooms to Tyrion’s side as he covertly removes the not-actually-missing rose from his pocket and uses its thorns to scratch the anarchy symbol into his hand over and over. Special appearance by Triple H as ‘The Duke’.

“Breaker of Chains”

The Hound agrees to let Arya go to art school in Chicago; Dany befriends an annoying neighbor boy (Joseph Gordon-Levitt).

“Oathkeeper”

“First of His Name”

Jon Snow feels constantly hungry and sad but he uses it as an emotional-paleo dietary system of triggering to make himself feel rock’n’roll. Whenever he walks past a mirror or reflective shield he stops and goes, oh my god. Is that me, am I really that skinny, and it’s seriously the most low cal diet you can imagine. Once you try it you’ll see how good the diet is very very good and I am not saying this under duress.

“Mockingbird”

For the entire sixty minutes of the episode, George R. R. Martin sits in a chair and makes the sound of a cash register opening.

“The Children”

During a murder spree of murdering children, The Hound suddenly realizes that he needs a specific key to get to a new space to do more child murders and, after backtracking through numerous corridors and arenas past children he’s already stabbed and cut to death, gets frustrated and stops playing. ⁓

For more editions of Audioccult, click here. 

Published April 11, 2014. Words by Daniel Jones.