Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: Simone Klimmeck
A FEW FACTS ABOUT 2013 REALITY
1. All of the vinyl pops on Burial tracks are just Skrillex making noises with his mouth.
2. Rumors have surfaced that David Lynch is in talks to reboot Twin Peaks. A few more details have surfaced as well:
– All of the music will be trap remixes of the original music.
– All of the characters regardless of age will talk like the teenage characters in Juno.
– Instead of talking backwards The Man From Another Place opens his mouth and it’s Skrillex remixes of the trap remixes of the original music. Every time this happens all the characters have a huge danceoff competition—but the real winner is you, the viewer.
– I have a prototype Mega Xbox 360 that also plays original and Super Nintendo games that my uncle who works for Xbox gave me but you can’t come over and play it because it’s being fixed right now.
3. If you don’t preface all first-time 2013 communiqués with HAPPY NEW YEAR then stupid people will get offended, so take care.
Nothing has shaped my reality so much in the last year as my love of Current 93, as well as a renewed love for… well, love. Despite the constant pissing rain and lingering fragments of seasonal sickness, I feel good about reality in a way that I haven’t for a while. I’ve been flexing my visual taste buds into aesthetic realms that I haven’t explored for over a year now, having been absorbed with my miserablist quasi-philosophical whatever. This means that those who found me in that rather bleak time are now confused, as my branded media platforms are showcasing things that seem antithesis to what they expect. But like N’Sync said, “Why you wanna try to classify the type of thing I do? I’m just fine doin’ what I like. Can I say the same of you?” Words of wisdom; it’s a shame they died. Peace be upon them.
I’m lining everything up for myself this year. Japan, LA, CTM. If I live, it’s going to be the year. If I die, scatter my ashes at the burned-down wreckage of Charles E. Cheese. Where a corpse can be a corpse™.
And if you want more… come up and get me.