Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: Simone Klimmeck
It’s been a hard few months. Every morning I wake up and replay my Facebook 2012 recap, each time mentally inserting the mind-shattering moments. Play it back for unbearable timeline streaming infinite soul-scroll. The new Myspace in no space whatsoever, because that’s the space for me. Have you ever chilled in Voidspace? It’s poorly designed, to be honest.
If you have the proper plugins, I suggest you scrobble the remaining vestiges of the year onto your tumblr feed for future perusal. According to a variety of memes and unfortunates, the world will officially end on Saturday. If you don’t want to be the wet wick saying, “Geez louise, I wish I’d saved my life onto this cool official M.I.A. USB necklace” then I suggest backing that thing up. Your corporeal shell might be burning in a pile with all the other raptured sinners, but ghosts can still post online. True fact on Snopes.
This year has been a very complicated one for me. I’ve been profiled in various sources, lauded by friends and strangers for my DJing, and collaborated/planned collaborations with some of the best people I know. I’ve also lost a family member, a best friend, potentially my lover, some hair, and heroic amounts of serotonin. This has severely shifted my natural, carefree emotional state into one a bit less pleasant…at least from my perspective. Here’s a fun game you can play: re-read this column, and see if you can guess the point when things started to decay in my carefully-constructed life. I think you’ll be surprised—I sure was! :0)
If the weekend continues the way that all the previous ones have—and I sincerely hope it does; I didn’t spend a whole night brining that goose just for a crummy apocalypse to mess with my dinner party plans. Priorities much, God?—then I’m making a pledge (it could also be a vow, or an oath, but not a swear because this is a family column). 2013 will be a year of Light. I’ve soaked myself in darkness so long that the word has as much meaning and place in my reality as linear genres. In moments of pain, I have asked for mercy from sources high, low and abstract, but it’s a mercy undeserved. Individuals should control their own realities. If this is impossible, then slip quietly into the mainstream, and disappear.