Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: SHALTMIRA
All fashion from all times is terrible. If you like fashion from 100 to 30 years ago, you’re a damn fool. But if you like fashion from 20 years ago? You’re on top of the game, my friend. That’s probably why you walked in, to check out some of the most up-to-date style reporting based around rising trends formed around the opinions of what the 13 year-old you saw on the subway this morning thinks of what his friends’ Instagram feeds think about fashion. Sit back and enjoy the in-clinic soundtrack while I present the latest in what’s to come in stores, your teen’s closet, and the runways (which I like to call funways, loudly and frequently and usually in a Beavis voice).
Everyone loves a celeb, right? Nothing to do but look cool by the pool, hork on some hoggs, and star in sick films like Mrs. Doubtfire. This summer, all the best fashion cues will come from the best fashion spews—that’s right, mom and dad, your rowdy youth will be looking to actively void their stomach on their clothes after the projected success of the upcoming Mrs. Doubtfire Returns. “Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s,” and render unto your teen a line of oversized floral dresses based on the one Mrs. Doubtfire (played by a shockingly alive Robin Williams) wore in the now-viral vomit scene. You’re a good parent and you care about your child.
THE DIAPER TEEN
It’s not any more complicated than that, really. Teens are going to wear diapers. Change my gross teen.
I’ve seen the future of buff+tough fashion, and it’s beautiful rose-petal name is multi-collar. Remember the confusing entity that is bunches of collars, like you see on guys who look like they were grown in vats behind Armani? Guess what, that Jokémon is back and it’s evolved into even more collars. Picture this, asshole: It’s Monday morning. You have a bunch of shirts but only one ripped chest to slam ‘em on. You splash your pits with some incredibly abrasive cologne called Zeus Juice that comes in a bottle shaped like a heavyset man jacking off into a sink. Damn, brother. Who’s the baddest guy with the most sex? Now picture strutting into your office and popping your collar.. then popping the OTHER SIX?!?! Unspeakable game.
The verdict is in: skateboarding is not a crime, but being caught dead without one is—a fashion crime, that is! School officials have made it legal and also fun to bully anyone caught in class without their wheels and a general idea that Thrasher exists. You think math was hard before, try doing it while you’re ripping sick grinds on teach’s desk and supine body. Caught so much air on that last triple-kickflip that now I can’t stop kickflipping or looking insanely cool. Very hard to type.
Speaking of bullying, the hottest retro-buzzword on the playground lates is EBM—or should I say EFM (for “Fashion”)! The only way to rep the illest wards and sigils is to go straight to the source: you gotta harass and beat up those old musicians and take their trousers. Slap Boyd Rice’s belly ’til it’s swollen and inflamed, sloppy tears run down his cheeks all, “Ungh. Please stop slappin’ n whackin’ my tummy and guts.” What Pink Boyd doesn’t know is that he’s dealing with the roughest customer of all: an informed one. Next dinner with meemaw and peepaw you can point at your camo-clad kinder and say they joined the army—and you’d be right.
VAMPIRE YIN-YANG BEANIE
What if Dracula… went to a rave?!?! Hahaha that would be pretty **random**—well, think about that for a while.
We’ll be bringing you more of the fre$hest fa$hion tips in town next week, just as soon as we get our new website up and running. We need to find more flashing UNDER CONSTRUCTION .gifs before the secrets can be spoken, however; already maxed out on the bandwidth usage of jimcarreysaysmoebodystopme.gif.~