10 Reasons Why This Article Is A List
Today’s the day. You head to the store and stock up because this is the day: the day the lists come out. You’re itching for a fast score and don’t care about the side effects. What are 37 kinds of chips that a man you don’t know likes to eat? What song was a hit when you were a baby? The cold winds may scrape and blow upon your soul but you have the injury .gifs, the strangest celebrity baby names. You know which terrible scumbag producer said the most ignorant thing—and you can’t believe what happened next! FUCK YEAH!!
10. Horrible Person Says Horrible Thing, Issues Obligatory Milquetoast Apology.
It must be really refreshing not to be a fan of electronic music/on social media and not see all the stupid, homophobic, racist and generally ignorant things people say that get massive attention in the press while AKON quietly provides electricity for millions of people. The worst those non-electronic music fans have to worry about is that maybe Anthony Kiedis said fuck life after getting a hernia and now all the Red Hot Chili Peppers news sites come up as HIBBY DIBBY ERROR—SICK BASS OVERLOAD.
9. It’s good for internal linking.
We have some previous content to capitalize on this! No hate speeches were dropped during the making of this content. We’re not responsible for the jerkiness of others—but maybe it can help us get some traffic!
We like ’em. Stack those clicks high and shovel them on because that’s what keeps the machine a’chuggin’!
Mmm—more content relation! Our personal opinions aside about the inanity of faux-irony in the form of cultural commentary as well as assumed generalizations on the opinions of the queer community, this is just a fantastic way for us to tie ourselves in to this fuck-frenzy of disgust. We might just meet our click quota for the month!
6. The “Wow” Factor.
This one’s Not Safe For Work and you’re going to open it anyway, aren’t you? Hot celebrity daughters grew up, yowza hot momma. Hottest celebrity tweets all here, lined up and ordered for you to feast your peepers on. This sexy celeb doesn’t even understand how to use the service. You’ll never have nearly as much money as Cher, whose digital presence basically invalidates the argument for atheism, yet her digital ignorance allows you to feel more secure about your own place in the world.
It’s been so long since you’ve heard another human’s voice. There’s just no time anymore. Keep going. Everything is true. Nothing is permitted. Sometimes crazy things happen in the present too, and you’re going to find out all about it. The Daily Show. Hilarious foreigners. How about a freelance writer’s most regrettable Etsy purchases? This is great, this is the best.
4. Who Even Reads Real Journalism Anymore?
Print is dead and opinions are regulated by your news feed. We live and breathe the constant rhythm of change simply for someone else’s capitalist benefit—engorged upon the flux of the New, condensed into SEO-friendly paragraphs. How many atrocities and social annoyances have occured since this list was written? How to anticipate more SEO-friendly hatred? The future is not set—no fart but what we make. We typed Silence Racist DJ into our Macbooks and buffered up the tweets! Just another day on the job. Now That’s What I Call Music Vol. 404.
3. Philosophical breakdown…where is this path taking us…the tears may F.L.O.W…
Hahah! Remember when The Edge fell off the stage? Wonder if he found what he was looking for? Guess he’s still living life—on The Edge! There’s gold in them thar lists—comedy gold mined by the pros and swiped by us, arranged neatly in the form of a list.
1. We Want To Keep Our Jobs.
Click. Click. CLICK.
Published June 20, 2015.