Audioccult Vol. 109: Timeless Chorus

Words by Daniel Jones

Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: SHALTMIRA

 

“Me likey music” I gurgle like a baby into the futuristic voice code scanner that lets me into the office (oddly enough, no running water in the kitchen). Sidling into my desk chair (still warm) I put on the album that plays all my favorite classic hits from the time when the world was a kinder, safer place for music journalists and Twitter wasn’t around to make everyone call you out on using the same joke about cum in every article. “Fuck yeayuhhh” bellowed in my best classic rock voice as I turn my laptop volume ALL the way up (major music fan here but also really badass dude) so that every note in the hits is audible. The hits echo across the office like ghosts from your dad’s past; holy moly there’s hits in every corner of this dang place. From down the hall, the boss’s door comes slamming open and he glides to my desk on currents of air, gracefully in the fashion of an elegant swan (swimming edition, not the gross flying version where it always looks like they’re straining to go to the bathroom) and he tells me to get to the point of this article and stop using so much fowl language, and that the previous pun is probably going to get me fired. “What I need from you,” he says, effortlessly raising my desk chair above his head and twirling it like a basketball, “is an article about the lasting potency of choruses, and why the best ones tend to stick in the mind of the public decades after their release. Put in some new music also because nobody really likes old music anyway.”

 

 

So you want the choruses, huh? The big ones, the ones that make you fistpunch the air so hard your feet come off the ground while you mouth along to the cool words somebody who might be dead now wrote? I sent out an office poll asking each highly-skilled member of our staff their opinion on the six best choruses of all time, but unfortunately one of them made a necklace out of the clipboard and now I want one too. So here’s the two memorable choruses I got back, followed by a guide on how to make your very own cool Audioccult clipboard necklace. I’m wearing mine instead of jeans today.

#6:

“Here in my car, I feel safest of all
I can lock all my doors. It’s the only way to live
In cars.” – The Cars

#5:

“I WANNA ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)
I WANNA ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)
I WANT TO ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)
I WANNA ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)
ROCK (ROCK)
I WANNA ROCK” – ASAP Rocky

Step 1: Find a clipboard! Any clipboard lying around the office will do. If you don’t work in an office, come over and let’s do sick ‘board grinds on the desks.

Audioccult-Clipboy

Step 2: Draw your own logo or slogan! This can be anything that expresses you, so that the world knows you’re really your own boss.

Audioccult-Boss

Step 3: Wow! WOW, that looks good! You did it! Now that the necklace is made yooooooUBOGIEWFEWHFQL#

BossHawgwwwwwww wow

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are you there? does the radiance dance across your eyes as it does mine?

will we be together soon? ~

feast of the harlequin