Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: SHALTMIRA
“There should never be another sequel to Sister Act.” —a thought formed at noon after great deliberation, yet too do I often weep and smash my fists against the ground, for winter has gone forever. An unusually long period of time spent curled tightly in a ball followed by cleaning my house (kitchen, bathroom, living room, bedroom last!) as a sick dog croaks nearby, attempting to ward off another night of sealing my ears with wax and never going near text of any kind. As the morning comes I shatter my fingers with a hammer, crashing it down again and again and again and again and again and again and again until the metal head ceases to impact on split flesh and instead cracks against the bare concrete beneath. I’ll never see the sun again, my skin growing pale and jellylike in the damp spaces beneath my tub, spinning my hammer on the tile floor. I want to not leave this place, to shield myself from laws of man—yet here in my cold artificial world, where the heat does not touch me, I feel ‘not so hot’, you might say in an uncle-y fashion, and I wrap myself in the swaddling blanket that is always with me. My beefy brawn legs struggle freely, kick the blanket off me almost insolently. A beastly bloatboss looms in the door and makes puppy-dog eyes at me. “Wwhurrnst muhturriips” Uncle DogDaddy gurgles in his gross YouTube dog voice and then he makes me tell you that:
-Walk In Dog Shit
I accidentally walked through some dog shit about a week ago. It really reminded me of being a kid again, carefree days long since gone. For a nice rush of nostalgic vigor, walk and stomp up in some dog shit.
-Complain about sports
There’s a lot of sports happening at the moment. If you’re not a sports fan of the sports, it’s not enough to just not watch them. You need to complain about them like crazy. They’re the worst and Twitter needs to know you’ve never heard of them and are confused. “What game?” is a good option. The keyboard is hard, though. The letters are out of order and almost always make long nonsense words. What the heck do I do if I want to make a different word? That’s why I use speech to text programs, and patience.
-Watch an older show on your laptop in bed
TWIN peaks??! Am I seeing double here?? Actually I’m watching a show, inside.
– Sabotage any attempt to connect with another
I made a dating profile that just said If You Dont Think Twin Peaks Is Sexy You Can Take A Flying Leap and then I deleted it. Young Money.
-Open trash bags and peer inside them
As soon as a bag touches sidewalk pavement it’s public property. Open bags and root around in ’em, “haste makes waste” so if you want extra cool crud to stick your hands into you better hurry. Bags are always full of great stuff, last week I took home what I thought was a big bag of oranges, grapefruits, and a small potted palm tree that instead turned out to be a beautifully muscled Greek who put his cigarette out on my chest for a few hours.
-There actually should be another Sister Act sequel
I legit love the Sister Act soundtrack. Those pretend nuns can sing. No joke. I Like The Nuns.
-Boggle at churches
A rightside-UP cross?? What the heck are these dudes thinking . . .
-Play Boggle in churches
It’s the game from King of the Hill, which was a show on Fox.
Published June 27, 2014. Words by Daniel Jones.