Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: SHALTMIRA
ON THE BODIES OF MY TRIBUTES, I PLACE A SINGLE DIAMOND (m4m)
The flawless beauty in a diamond symbolizes the innocence of what humanity was, and what it can never be again. Captured in time, incandescent and pure: this is the state I leave them in, and as an artist would sign a painting so to do I sign my Gifts to Permanence with a single and perfect diamond. Come find me, detective . . . the game has just begun.
THERE’S TREASURE EVERYWHERE (w4m)
Your dog looked like Hobbes to me. I want to take him home and recreate a story I’m going to write where Teen Calvin is there, and I’m Teen Susie, and even though we fight a lot and there’s a lot of tension between us, there’s also an underlying and unspoken love. I have dreams at night of walking in the woods. My hand grows cold, and he is there steadfast and strong to tell me that the night holds no terrors we cannot face together. He stops for a moment to urinate against a rusting automobile, looking over his shoulder at me with that cheeky smirk that I’ve come to love and loath in equal measures. As he turns back toward me, however, the grin fades and is replaced by an unmistakable look of longing. “Let’s go exploring,” he whispers, and I notice my blouse is already undone. Give me your dog.
TACO BELL PROMOTION CODE 726347989 (4thmeal4u)
What up this is famous hip hop rapper 2CHAINZ© and when I need to chew thangz I head to TACO BELL© and type in this promotion code. The tender ground 100% beef keeps me satisfied all mother fucking day, and the crisp fresh lettuce adds just the right balance of freshness to the kick of the hot sauce packets. Mountain Dew Baha Blast not cooling you down? I like push my hands deep into the plastic bins that hold the hot sauce packets. It cold in there, on my skin. Murder on the beat, hot sauce packets on the skin, my sick cat wailing “chewww chnnggz” in the car while I get my fill of cool hot sauce feelings and great TACO BELL© values inside. Tweet #UnWrapped for more 2CHAINZ© music.
THE EPISODES OF ROSEANNE WHERE DAVID AND DARLENE ARE HAPPY TOGETHER (m)
I have ’em. I don’t need you anymore.
THE GREAT TEMPTATION OF EVE (m4f)
Bad boy here: I’ve been abusing the Tinder button. I’m liking every face that slides by my gadgetscreen. Soon I get the Snapchat names; then comes the real moment. I send out the footage of my swollen glans; in the background, I play this clip. Same lighting and pose in every shot. The glow of the screen reflects off a diamond placed conspicuously just to the left of my turgid member. Horrible. The game continues . . .
Published July 11, 2014. Words by Daniel Jones.