Cooking with Audioccult
Illustration by SHALTMIRA
There’s a lot of things to like about living in Berlin. Too rarely, it’s food. Yesterday I saw a milkshake that was just a banana mashed into a glass of normal milk, and the ingenuity of its awfulness inspired me to share my recipe for 100% All-American Meatloaf. Press play on the embedded tracks from a variety of weird underground artists, and by the time you’re finished cooking your ground chuck lust will be so fucking swole you’ll need to use a trowel to scrape off the stink-stash of saliva pouring from your mouth. That’s my word.
Audioccult’s 100% All-American Meatloaf
- 8 oz. canned water chestnuts.
- 14 small bags of kale.
- Some pebbles. Note: For a nice burst of nostalgia, shriek “Barney, my pebbles!” when you add them. Also, make sure to chop off your bloody dick and flail it around your head as well. #90sKids will get this.
- 3 cups gibbon oil.
- 1 teaspoon fishnets.
It’s very important that you measure your ingredients properly. If you ever feel like, “Hey, it’s okay if I waste something,” just imagine what that chef who hates everyone would say.
Mean Chef Gordon Ramsey: [Aghast, pulling yards of wasted mesh from garbage can.] “Look at it!” [Waves mesh in face of bad cooks while voice rises in pitch like teakettle.] “LOOK AT IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII [Voice turns into dialtone from The Matrix.]
Hahah, now I’m imagining Korn showing up to get in on the fun. They’re yelling and wailing on you, calling you a disgusting lady and making you wear these boxer shorts:
Published April 24, 2015.