Audioccult Vol. 22: The Professional One – Telekom Electronic Beats

Audioccult Vol. 22: The Professional One

 

Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low.

As a professional journalist, it’s my duty to look and act the part. This is why, over the weekend, I tattooed 93 on my index finger and then got OD blunted with Zebra Katz and Njena Reddd Foxxx. My blatant disregard for the other journalists involved most likely made me look fairly fucking cool, especially when I fell down from backstage vodka. Pics didn’t happen, and unfortunately therefore this scenario didn’t happen. Makes you think, about nothing, because thoughts are not photos and don’t exist. My three-day (and counting) hangover, however, does. You don’t just get this giant PRESS card to stick in your hat brim; you gotta earn it.

The only thing I’ve found to be a sure-fire cure for the DTs in ya head is some EQs in the red. Thankfully I have a plethora of weirdos to pump perverse bass into my skull and gross guts. Hard to believe it’s been more than a year since White Ring dropped their Chaind Vol. 1 mixtape, packed with remixes of NIN, Cocteau Twins, Lil BRick Ross, and more. Now they’re gearing up for Vol. 2, and the first peek is an evil Waka Flocka trap remix. Yes, we’re (at least a little) sick of all the trap remixes too, but this one is worth your time if you’re on that ghetto-goth vibe like me. Umberto takes it to an even heavier realm of after-dark, car-rattling horror. ‘The Investigation’ is a Dario Argento-flavored Swisher Sweet that rides heavier than we’ve ever heard this kid go before; his upcoming LP Night Has A Thousand Screams is likely going to be soundtracking my autumn.

 

Chris Brown: yuck. Regardless of Rihanna‘s feelings on the subject, if seeing this dude’s name on a track doesn’t make your genitals suck up inside your body (similar to how a new Weeknd track might affect you) then you’re probably Chris Brown, so eat chain. Still, the fact that it’s a MADDEN remix made me overcome my natural aversion to complete tools because, like all MADDEN cuts, it bangs hard. Not half as hard, however, as Craxxxmurf‘s bass-heavy bullet ‘M16 DR☯P’. Played this out; the amount of booties popped that night: ludicrous. Now that we’ve saturated the ‘bass tracks that sound like guns‘, how about ones that sound like knives? Facebook recommended both knives and partying recently, and now I have a blade fetish that can’t be cucked. My hands are trembling. “You should quit smoking” my reflection said to me this morning. “I can’t feel my limbs, and now I’m crazy.” I said. “I know, but don’t let anyone else know.” I said. I’m not trustworthy either.

 

Massacooraman‘s ‘Dead Long Time‘ is a fantastic track (even more so when remixed by Nguzunguzu) so it was a pleasure to see his new Fade To Mind mix in my feed. For anyone needing a taste of future bass/space reggaeton/post-dancehall/juking off, this is the place. Also, Lil Ugly Mane is remastering and re-releasing his Mista Thug Isolation LP on Hundebiss, which is cool. “You should quit smoking” my brain says as I inhale once more, eagerly anticipating the completion of this article so that I can smoke more and feel like an emotional void. Did you know that I’m a grown up man? I sit in my empty, monochromatic room and make Diamanda Galas and Vatican Shadow mashups. Because of this and other things, I get money. I’m never really sure what to think of this. Cup fulla Beetlejuice. Goodbye.