Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: SHALTMIRA
Summer. It’s the HOTTEST part of the year—and not just because you don’t have to do homework! But, as with all things in this mortal coil, summer fades in to Fall, and that means it’s time to take care of your Back To School shopping! We have a wide variety of new and improved items to make your Mondays feel more like FUNdays. You like cats? We’ve got a SHIT-TON of sweet and sassy cats on our binders. Put a puffy sticker of the Sigil of Ningishzidaon on your locker to show the Usurper God of the West that this is the year he gets dethroned.
There’s nothing that says, “Here’s a dolphin on a bag” like a dolphin on a bag! Our award-winning dolphin backpacks, totes and purses are crafted by pseudo-hand in our Dolphin FleshFarm, located on the endless plains of Oban-Leh. HOT TIP 4 TEENZ: Are mom and dad rejecting your fertility by disallowing lipstick? Squeeze the spot below the dolphin’s eye. The still-living flesh will secrete a specially formulated glitter lip balm that will allow you to express YOU.
Math? Alchemy? BORINGGGGG! We know what you need to make your morning special: plush tigers! Put a few of these little guys in your desk and homeroom will be pawwwsitively pleasurable, and they definitely don’t come to life at night and leech color from the flesh of your younger siblings.
Looking for a new unicorn poster with personality? How about five: Star Traveler, Glitter Appletini, Hoof Agonist, The Defiler, and Misty Sparkles. All unicorns have been conceived to match the fresh and funky personalities of our diverse audience; for example, The Defiler hates rules but is interested in following her dreams, and Misty Sparkles (as well as the middle-aged man whose chest she is pupating in and slowly draining the physical and spiritual essence from, that she might be birthed anew into our reality) loves to have fun! And thanks to the Rainbow Arts of our High Priestess, this year apostates no longer have to make the pilgrimage to our headquarters in Parallax-Sumer for pencil cases; find us at your local Wal-Mart, Target, Shekel General, and nearby holes in the ground weeping pus and emitting sobbing noises. ~
Published August 09, 2013. Words by Daniel Jones.