Audioccult Vol. 98: Too Many Draculas

Words by Daniel Jones

Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: SHALTMIRA

 

All of these Draculas. Count ’em, haha well actually they’re all Counts, Yung Elders swooping all over the dang place while bad Drac dad floats about the periphery shaking his ancient head. What’s cool, ghoul gramps, sorry you don’t get my genderless generation of featureless masses but I’m here to drop some newsferatu on ya. You see these buff biceps that turn into powerful pinions when I become a bat or sometimes a sexy Deviantart-style winged anime? Not when you look in the mirror you don’t, sad to say but the sun has set on you in a way that means the opposite of what it does in real life (sorry, too busy flexing over your old man physicality to analogize properly). Once you were the Main Dracula but now we’re all Draculas; powerful archfiends with sweet gluten-free wardrobes. We’re basically like Taz, giving a big middle finger to the concept of mortality and police when they’re not looking. What’s that? Haha excuse me? Sorry, can’t really hear you under the tears you’ll be ‘coffin’ up as me and all the other Draculas sweep in to your stupid castle, and I have an Instagram.

The ideals of the past have faded. No longer are we dark ones bound by the outmoded preconceptions and notions of the eighties. The true wisdom of the nineties drives us, urging our bodies ever onward to depravity and lust. Over a hundred Draculas a day are reborn every time our ripped digits Snapchat a Rescue Rangers gif. Phew! That Gadget! I know she’s a mouse but in my eyes she is a stone cold “fox”. What the H were they thinking when they made this cartoon! No wonder we all have so many issues as adults and sometimes really absurd ways of looking at the world, like some people eat bread. Hahah. What the bleeding fuck. It’s like, hmm, what the heck kind of  bullshit gluten am I gonna put this hamburger in haha… or should I say HANDburger, which is what you’ll be holding—that meat in your hand—and in more ways than one. Ladies love the breadpire. I’m not saying I would use my powers of hypnosis to steal Gadget away from Chip, but I wouldn’t, for example, be opposed to hanging some cuckold’s horns on him.

 

 

Listen up, pops because this is how it’s going to go down. I’m a ripped bat but I got secret fat—my BIG FUCKING WRISTS are holding me back from the inner circles of Dracula hipsterdom. You ever kiss a Dracula? I mean really kiss him, so your eyes both flutter open at exactly the right moment and they lock, you’re just locked in the gaze of Dracula and that sum’bitch is locked right the same damn Dracula gaze with you and you think that maybe the eyes, the beautiful brown eyes that you’re only now really noticing, truly are the windows to the soul. A couple of Draculas, just kissing the hell out of each other. Powerful stuff, almost as powerful as my swole muscular frame that you’ll soon feel pushing yours on the ground in the tweet I’m writing about all this. It’s a sexy tweet and you’re being sexy toward me and when the Draculas see what kind of kisser you are (the worst kind is what the tweet implies), well once the Draculas see that then you’re through, and the reign of the other Draculas and I will be… hey. Hey where did you go?

I never saw Dracula after that, but it no longer mattered. Draculas were everywhere, pluck a bunch off the street, stacked Draculas high to the ceiling, oohhhHHHHhh hehehe there’s a bunch in here! Too many, Dracula after Dracula hogging space for #1 D, can’t spread my wings and soar the way my pecs pulse to. Dracula’s Delight no longer, these wriggling vamps are giving me giggling cramps from their constant touch. It’s tickle torture, and not the kind that’s fun to read about, mayhap this author is revealing a bit too much about himself but the one thing that always tickles my fancy is a fancy tickle fanfic, a fanticfic you might say before you check to see if it’s already been copyrighted as a concept (note: it’s pending, back it up). Maybe I’m half-awake and I missed the toilet when I brought these pieces of shit Draculas into my life. Ehehhe QUIT IT! ~

 

 

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