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How To Survive Post-Summer Lifestyles

Illustration: SHALTMIRA

“You can’t just go around wearing cloaks” – probably something said by a dude about to get his ass beat down by a mysterious cloaked cool guy

The world has sensed that we all want to start wearing cloaks. So it’s cold now. Cue the rocket scientist fatcats in You Congress passing mental legislation allowing megamoans and groans about the precious sun being taken away. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that fall is the superior summer, but I guess it takes one to show one. Let’s SmartTalk and RealRap for a second, mano e readero, and I’ll pass you some words that will make your talk disappear and turn into compliments for my help. Here’s this list, you just have to read it. I’ve taken care of it for you and now you just have to read the tips and tricks. What’s that? The sound of summer “falling” a few notches in your esteem?

1. Pumpkin Pie —where else but autumn??

Mmm-MMH! *camera cuts to my face where I’m smiling really wide like I’m proud* Nothing like a good slice of pumpkin pie! This picture is called PUMPKIN PIE WHOLE SLICE but I don’t think I could only eat just one!

2. The leaves changing color

Audioccult- Foliage

This is very beautiful. The changing of the leaves is almost the most visual aspect of the fall (it is inferior to only one other thing—but just hold your horses, we’ll get there soon enough!). It’s certainly a wonder to behold; the vast canopies of red, yellow, orange and purples make certain parts of the world such as Upstate New York a premiere fall-tination. Try looking at a tree in the summer—you can’t, idiot! It’s fucking ridiculous and awful. Green? What is this, grass? Nice try, not at all. Summer is OUTTA here!

3. More Free time to Stay Indoors (cold)

Brrr. Feel that? There’s a nip in the air once more, and all good folk ‘cross the land are walking with the loved ones held tighter against the wind; the lonely ones with their arms wrapped ’round themselves—a meager shield against the harsh bite of reality. Too late, they realize that the best option is staying inside. You can do anything inside thanks to computers, and it’s warm. Stay inside.

4. All your shoegaze records sound a thousand times better

All the Cocteau Twins and all the My Bloody Valentine. Lots of shoegaze records sounding way better when you’re wearing a long coat and a scarf. Hmm, what’s on the radio in July? “Summer lovin’, had me a blast”—yeah, from a shotgun shell maybe, going ballistic out of the back of my skull after another “gonna be another scorcher”. You you you autumn know!

5. “Wow—Halloween!”

Audioccult-Police

Wow—Halloween! A time of great fear and monsters. Tip 3 applies here. If you’re still sad, it’s your own fault. This is a list of five things.

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